The Sunnydale Observer, Personnals...
"Fun-loving non-corporeal life form seeks soul mate. Must be non-slimer.  Transparency not essential.  Poltergeists need not apply.

E-mail replies only."

[Ad placed on a computing dating web site on behalf of Cordy's ghost Dennis by Winston (Wesley's teddy bear) and Mr. Gordo (Buffy's stuffed pig who has come to live with Angel).

...From chapter 23  of "Mr. Gordo Goes to LA"...with thanks to Jane Alexander...]
This dead man don't wear plaid, love...If you'd be up for a bit of the rough and tumble...And don't mind a bit of spice in your daily...

...And you're fond of  "Passions"...
Looking for someone sweet as pie to redeem my dark, sorrowful nature and bring true joy into my existence...

Kids welcome...The more the merrier...Me...

A few extra pounds?...Please...So much more to...

Love...
Senoritas...Crowns have I in my purse and worldly goods at home...Come am I to wive and thrive in Sunnydale...

Ummn...Quiet scholar seeks same...
My story needs a happy ending...Is it you?..
Please, no demons.....
Basic black seeks study in scarlet...Eternal commitment a definite possibility...
Very good girl (relatively speaking) and very nasty dolly seek playmate...Should have sense of fun...And high pain threshold...
Sure, lass...I'm slow getting started...But steady...And when I get going, I can promise you...And yours...A life-altering experience..
No blondes, please...
.
Expand my heart with the effulgent wonder of your beauty...
Please...No beating, no kinky stuff....Cause I been hurt a lot recently..
.
This Goddess needs a (female) disciple...Damn you, kneel!...
And prepare to have your butt throughly kicked...!
Good-looking 30-ish fellow with steady business in the hospitality and beverage industry seeks kindly mate with good nursing skills...Should be a good listener...
World savior needs emotional punching bag...
And if I find you tolerable you might get the occasional bone thrown...
You will be left to die, alone...Accept it...
Sophisticated young female professional seeks dashing type (16...er 18+) ... Preferably with car...Please call between 10pm-1am...Hang up if someone named "Buffy" answers...
This world-conquering genius-daddy needs a love puppy for his very own...
A few minor health-related issues keep this experienced leader of many confined to his rather unique home...But nothing stops him from showing a girl that ageless, old world charm... This shy former cheerleader with special talents seeks a nice, nice guy who'll stick by her...Preferably without a living mother?...I have some maternal issues...
Roses are red, blood is too...When it's pouring out of you...
Cause when it's in, it's blue...Like my poor, brooding heart...
I'm dead...So are you...Or you will be when I'm thru...
Cause I always been bad, baby...
Viking girl who never quits seeks desperately horny stud...Apply now and get 50% (er...25%) off your next purchase at the Magic Box of Sunnydale...Located in downtown across from the Sunnydale Art Museum...
Older woman of very youthful aspect seeks male mate for very long-term commitment...Let a very experience woman who knows the world show you your own personal Paradise...

Should have few attachments...
They call me...Invincible...(At least for the next 100 days)...
See if you can be the one who...Overwhelms me...(And, heck, you'll just be amazed to find out who this is...)
I do not need you emotionally...I do not want you physically...You fill me with boredom, human. However, I require certain parts of your anatomy to build the perfect human-demon hybrid. Therefore, report to the address below as quickly as your pitifully inadequate limbs will carry you...

No wierdos, please...
Dawny...My sister...Needs a father-substitute to match my mother/sister substitute...Correction, correction...I am her sister, of course. If you are a short, blonde, humungously-pecked male please contact me. Do not contact me if you are tall, dark, and bloody-stupid. We will have lots of sex when I am not Slaying and Dawn...My sister...Is not present in the room. Dawn and my best friend who is gay, Willow, say I am a very good homemaker. Please have a very nice day.
Hey, you...This world sucks...But while I'm waiting my chance to tear it apart, I need somebody who can keep me mildly amused. Should have the loins of an Achilles and the sense of playful fun of a Caligula...Maybe a Commodus, but he was kinda dull with that gladiator obsession. Leave your name and a photo with my scaby doorman...
Buffy, possessed by her Cicely nature (see the Cicelyverse page notes...)

Don't usually do this but hey, what the hell...I am looking for...(William! I'm here, I've always loved you, Darling...Cicely is here for you!...Please come, I know you'll like the new body!...Oh, my Darling...) Yeah...Looking for short, sardonic-looking (oh, my poor Will...I didn't abandon you, I swear!) blonde guy in dark jacket I met briefly last week...

Please don't be a vampire...Ummn, kidding of course...
Buffy Rebecca...(my robotic but human-souled clone of Buffy, see "Sunnydalopolis" and other BR tales...) Prior to settling things with Will/Spike...

This bubbly ten-day...er twenty year...old blonde seeks to step out with an entertaining, non-dead (ha, ha) guy...Dinner, dancing, anything that keeps me outta the old crypt...er house...Dinner would really be nice, but hey this college girl's footloose (little lonely, actually) and up for anything...Except at my place...Lots of remodeling going on...

If  a guy answers...It's my brother...Just hang up, he doesn't trust personal ad responders.
Joseph, (bald, death's-headed, but always superably attired and well-heeled, merged demon/soul of Joseph Stalin, a composite senior Wolfram-Hart partner character from several of my tales, see "Demon's Due", "Two Weeks at Saddy's",  "I Love Ya...Truly" and others)

Ladies...This dapper legal eagle's looking to win his next big one...Though head of LA's hottest law firm, companion to celebrities and the world's powerful, there's been something...Lacking...So, before this world snuffs out in the final agonies of the Apocalypse...I mean what with all that global warming and all...I am ready to seek life's true meaning...

...Let my personal limo whisk you away to romance...
Cute and perky, kind-hearted red-head...Ummn...With a body that I'm really sure won't quit...Seeks tall, dark, but not Undead guy (kidding, ha...But please not dead...). Especially if first name Alexander...Ummn...Or short, dark is ok...Cause I'm not fixated on the tall...And when I say "short", you know I mean, just not so tall.

Please don't be hurt.
Short, dark guy would like to hook up with perky red-head from previous ad but lost phone number...Ummn...I don't do that often...
I will eat your face, drain every drop from your body, and leave you dead on the floor...
...And wanting more...

(Buffy...Dawn sighed, looking at the ad... "You have been hanging around vampires and the 
Undead for too long..."
Perfect man seeks perfect mate, preferably with children...Perfect children...

However, if you don't quite measure up...I'm sure I can mold you into perfection...

Or else...

Did I mention I cook?
Corporeally-challenged bi beauty seeks companion/assistant...No fanatic religious types, please. I been down that path already...
WVM seek LHF...
What the hell do you think for, girl...? This bloody well is Sunnydale, after all...
BVM seeks BVF...No tricks from this treat when it comes to love, baby...
Soldier boy, leaving behind tragic world...But I don't mind another try...
Cause love is kind...
If ya gotta sing, gotta dance...And can do it...Forever...
Call me...
Mephisto's (my vampire-former actor character from "Life With Mother and Father" and a little differently in "Mona and the Monsters") ad...Aimed at a 32 year old Dawn, just in for a visit from her home in NYC...

Dear New Yorker...
I could offer you the wealth I've accumulated, which I do...Claim to be the handsomest man in the world...Which, alas, I am 
not,  though I hope to be found adequate...But...

I know you...Gentle beauty I met but briefly one night ago at the Borders...You felt the ache in my heart as I felt yours even as   we  talked of trivialities...We have waited long enough, put others ahead of us often enough...Now, Time has come to tell    
us...We  must seize the moment...

Oh, why do you not come to me, my own...Bringing new dawn to my empty life...?

(Hmmn...A sympathetic Willow looked from the paper to a sheepish 32 year old  Dawn... "Not bad...Our actor/vamp king's still got it, I see..."
Seeking my scampered kittens...A fine brace of cute, plump, and juicy ones...Reward for return...
"Circus performer" seeks member of the (flopped)  
wedding...Just cause they screwed it doesn't mean
we have to, my Rubenesque beauty...
I'll be at the Starbucks on Drum St. Thursday night
at eight....Pointy beard and ears, white carnation in
my lapel.
Now then...Didn't mummy ever tell you not to answer personal ads, naughty, naughty boy...or girl...? Still...My friend Miss Edith will be very sorry if you don't come for tea...And stay...
No...You're wrong...Your little sister will cry when you're found dead.
Make MONEY Fast!!!$$$!!!
Beautiful, highly competent legal professional...with gentle heart of gold...Seeks nice guy 30-50...To deliver her from...Pressures   of her job...

Helping people and benefiting Humanity is so tough, you know?...

Must be handsome, perfect body, with eight+ figure income...Top political, financial, social connections...And knowledge of Hell
contracts and magics...

Must not be named Wesley...And make that nine+ figures...Cause, pal...

I'm worth it.
Hey, Xander...Missed you after graduation and haven't been able to stop thinking about how stupid I was to pass you by in high school...Meet me Wed night after eight outside the Bronze if you're interested...

Ummn...In case you guess who this is?...That stuff about me being dead and all was just bad reporting...It's really a crime how badly the media reports things these days, you know?...When I was on the school paper, remember?...We'd never allow our standards to be compromised...


See ya, I hope...I'll be wearing my cheerleader outfit...

Ok...May you should bring some garlic and a cross...But I really do just wanna see you again...Bye..
Hey, Spike...

Very funny, go (back) to Hell...Even Harm's not that dumb...And Angel told us she went to LA..

('That dumb?'...Gee...And I thought he was just busy with the 
Slayer and the guys...Harmony's face fell as her eyes caught
the ad in the three-weeks old Sunnydale Observer copy she
held..

"Well?..." the African demon god eyed her as she stood
before him... "Are you, also, ready to face the ultimate
challenge for your soul's return?...All for the love of a mere
human?..." shaking his head...Ba'al,  this one's the third one
this month...

  Vampires these days...

"Nah..." she shrugs....Tossing the paper...)
Warren, you creep...It's over...Stop calling my house or I'm calling the police...

And send back my favorite sweater...Cause if you try anymore of that mumbo-....

Darling, darling...your little Kat is waiting for your return...Of course she has no doubts at all about you, you love stud, in her pretty little mind...Please let me call you...
Don't pass on this money-making opportunity$$

(with thanks to Knight Errant...)
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